Thursday, May 2, 2013

Straight Forward, Telling it Like it is

Do you ever struggle with feelings?

The past few days I have been struggling in the "feelings" department. I rarely have THIS type of feeling . . .
one that cuts deep . . .
I am sure you all know this feeling . . .


Someone hurts someone (or several) you love . . .
then they act like nothing ever happened.

I know as Christians we are supposed to forgive . . .
7x70, but exactly how do you forget?

My in-laws had been out of control since the first of the year.
They have made life miserable for three families.
They have said extremely hurtful things . . .
things that cut to the bone.

They have really never been easy to get along with . . .
Randy and I have been married for 30 1/2 years . . .
we have had our share of disagreements with them.
Our relationship with them always took work and was never easy.

They had an accident the last week of 2012.
Neither seemed coherent after.
After a few months, Randy realized his Dad was controlling him by pretending to have severe health problems. Whenever he wanted attention, he would pretend to pass out, pretend to have a stroke or some other type of illness/disease.
Randy's Mom goes through bouts of anger, hatefulness, mean streaks and then denies having them.
There are days that she flies off the handle and seems to be manic.
She also has times when she totally forgets what she is doing and simply stares blank faced.
Dementia . . . although in the early stages.
There are days she is completely coherent . . .
no one would know anything is wrong.
For months Randy, his sister, niece and nephew were at Randy's parents house every day to help take care of them.
Then they began to be paranoid, combative and accusational toward Randy, his sister, niece and nephew.
His mom and dad demanded their privacy and independence.
They took matters into their own hands and cancelled the care we had arranged for them. They also tried to purchase a car because Randy had taken their car keys and car from them.
A few weeks ago, it all became too much . . .
the manipulation, the hatefulness, the comments.
Their "freedom and independence" were returned fully to them.
There was a request from Randy and his sister . . .

Live your life as you want, but leave us alone. You are responsible for your choices, decisions, and everything that goes along with being an adult. You will also be responsible for the choices you make. If you have a problem with plumbing, call a plumber. If you have a problem with your car, call a mechanic, etc.

For a little over a week now, things have been quiet.
Until tonight.

Randy and I were sitting out on our deck watching our kids play,
then the phone rang.
Randy's parent were on the telephone . . .
they carried on a conversation like nothing had ever happened.
Randy was better about the phone call than I was.
From the answers Randy was giving, I concluded they were nosing into our family and business. I became aggravated and the more the conversation continued, I became angry.

HOW?

How can two parents treat their grown children and grandchildren in such a way that they no longer want to visit or even talk to them . . .
and then call one of them up and act like
nothing had ever happened? 

The sad thing . . .
this has happened time and time again throughout the course of our marriage. Randy's mom and/or dad would have a HUGE episode about one thing or another and there would be a HUGE blowup.
The next thing you know . . .
a telephone call or visit like nothing had ever happened.

Frankly, I want nothing to do with them.
I am angry, they have hurt several people deeply that I love.
I don't want to talk to them.
I don't want to see them.
I don't want them around my children, or my husband.

Mother's Day is coming up as is Randy's mom's birthday.
I am the present and card buyer in the house.
Honestly, I have nothing . . .
I have no compassion left for them.
I have no joy in seeing them.
I dread picking up the telephone if their name comes up 
on the caller ID. 

How do I put together a gift and card for a birthday and Mother's Day for a woman that treats her family as if she can simply throw them away until she feels the "need"?

The only thing I can think of that I am Thankful for when it comes to Randy's parents . . .

That they gave him birth . . .
I love my man and cannot imagine life without him.

I am not writing anything that Randy is not aware of.
I have told him that I am struggling.
I have told him that I don't understand their manipulation.
I have told him that I am angry at them.
I have told him that I have no desire to buy a birthday or 
Mother's Day gift this year.

Some wives have tremendous in laws . . .
relationships are easy for them.

My relationship with my in-laws has always taken a great deal of hard work, prayer and patience. They are not easy to deal with and never have been. I don't know why I chose to believe they would eventually get better . . . 

Randy thought once he backed away and let them have their freedom and independence all would be better.
I may have thought so too . . .
I didn't account for this feeling of resentment 
and anger toward them.

Maybe you have gone through something similar . . .
How did you resolve your feelings?




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